Three years

Three years ago today, my first baby went to Heaven without me.

In the past three years, we've learned to cope with the empty place left behind when Kenneth died, but it's still there. I'm still surprised by grief at random moments. It will probably always be this way.

Grant and I were at Quizno's for lunch today. Grant was looking out of the window at the cars passing by, and when he saw a big red F-150, he said "Whoa!" and got excited. The first thought in my mind was, "I wonder if Kenneth would have liked big trucks too", and I teared up in public. It's all of the unknowns-- would he have been a cuddler like Grant is? Would he have liked to play on the slide at the park? Would he have loved books? What would it have been like to hear him call me "Mommy"? What kind of man would he have grown to be?

I'm selfish. I want him to be here with me. Part of my soul is buried 6 feet under the dirt in a tiny little box in the Texas Hill Country, and I feel the loss constantly.