This past week was my school district's spring break, so I had 9 whole days of work-free bliss. When the week started, all that we had planned was to attend a good friend's wedding and mark K's second birthday in heaven. As it turned out, we ended up having to drive to Dallas to attend a funeral as well because the younger brother of my husband's best friend passed away from an aggressive cancer.
T was my husband's best friend's brother, and he was only 25 when he passed. He left behind a wife of less than a year. I never met this brother, but I've spent some time with J's (J is my husband) friend. This is the friend that J spent his entire childhood with, and he stood up with J at our wedding. At T's funeral, I felt like a moron for crying, but I couldn't help myself. I was crying out of sympathy for T's mother, because I know what it feels like to bury a son. Something like that is hard whether you bury your baby at 1 month, like I did, or at 25, like she did. You aren't supposed to bury your children. It goes against the natural order of things.
The pastor who gave the funeral service said the standard "God's ways are not our ways" and "God hears our prayers" speech. I've heard that many times in my life, especially back when we attended a super conservative Bible church when I was in high school. I don't know what to think of that. I really don't know what I believe anymore. I prayed and prayed and prayed for K to be healed, but he wasn't. I'm sure T's mother prayed for a cure for her son, and he died too. I don't know. If God can heal the sick, then why does He heal some but not others? Why not my son? Why not T? I guess I'll never understand that one.
The wedding that we went to was on K's second birthday. In a way, it was good that we had something happy to distract us, because we both have been having a hard time with his birthday this year. Some of it is because we also have two nephews that were born within weeks of K, so they both had their second birthdays as well. Some of it is because we now have our handsome little G, so we know exactly what we missed out on with K now. Some of it is just that you never really are "over" losing your child; you learn to live with it, and some days are good while other days are hard.
The person who got married is a girl I've known since high school, so she was around for everything that happened with K. To backtrack a little, dragonflies have come to symbolize K for us. We painted his nursery with dragonfly stamps, and got dragonfly crib bedding for him. His room in the PICU (pediatric intenive care unit) had dragonflies painted on the ceiling. The bride's mother told me that I needed to look closely at her bouquet, so after she was done taking pictures I asked her if I could see it. She'd found tiny little dragonfly appliques and put them on the bouquet in honor of K, since she was getting married on his birthday. I was so touched that she remembered my little boy like that on her special day.
Right now, G is sleeping away in his crib. I wonder if K would have been like G is, happy most of the time and just taking in the world. G is such a laid-back little guy. As long as you keep his tummy full and his diaper clean, he's a happy camper. It's hard to know what K's personality really was because he was kept so sedated most of the time in the PICU, but from what little bit I was able to see he was a lot like G is. I guess I'd like to imagine that my boys would have had a lot in common.
So... happy birthday, K. I'm so sorry you're not here to celebrate it with us, but I'm thankful that in heaven, you have a whole heart instead of half of one. We miss you, and I promise that your little brother will know about you as he grows up.
T was my husband's best friend's brother, and he was only 25 when he passed. He left behind a wife of less than a year. I never met this brother, but I've spent some time with J's (J is my husband) friend. This is the friend that J spent his entire childhood with, and he stood up with J at our wedding. At T's funeral, I felt like a moron for crying, but I couldn't help myself. I was crying out of sympathy for T's mother, because I know what it feels like to bury a son. Something like that is hard whether you bury your baby at 1 month, like I did, or at 25, like she did. You aren't supposed to bury your children. It goes against the natural order of things.
The pastor who gave the funeral service said the standard "God's ways are not our ways" and "God hears our prayers" speech. I've heard that many times in my life, especially back when we attended a super conservative Bible church when I was in high school. I don't know what to think of that. I really don't know what I believe anymore. I prayed and prayed and prayed for K to be healed, but he wasn't. I'm sure T's mother prayed for a cure for her son, and he died too. I don't know. If God can heal the sick, then why does He heal some but not others? Why not my son? Why not T? I guess I'll never understand that one.
The wedding that we went to was on K's second birthday. In a way, it was good that we had something happy to distract us, because we both have been having a hard time with his birthday this year. Some of it is because we also have two nephews that were born within weeks of K, so they both had their second birthdays as well. Some of it is because we now have our handsome little G, so we know exactly what we missed out on with K now. Some of it is just that you never really are "over" losing your child; you learn to live with it, and some days are good while other days are hard.
The person who got married is a girl I've known since high school, so she was around for everything that happened with K. To backtrack a little, dragonflies have come to symbolize K for us. We painted his nursery with dragonfly stamps, and got dragonfly crib bedding for him. His room in the PICU (pediatric intenive care unit) had dragonflies painted on the ceiling. The bride's mother told me that I needed to look closely at her bouquet, so after she was done taking pictures I asked her if I could see it. She'd found tiny little dragonfly appliques and put them on the bouquet in honor of K, since she was getting married on his birthday. I was so touched that she remembered my little boy like that on her special day.
Right now, G is sleeping away in his crib. I wonder if K would have been like G is, happy most of the time and just taking in the world. G is such a laid-back little guy. As long as you keep his tummy full and his diaper clean, he's a happy camper. It's hard to know what K's personality really was because he was kept so sedated most of the time in the PICU, but from what little bit I was able to see he was a lot like G is. I guess I'd like to imagine that my boys would have had a lot in common.
So... happy birthday, K. I'm so sorry you're not here to celebrate it with us, but I'm thankful that in heaven, you have a whole heart instead of half of one. We miss you, and I promise that your little brother will know about you as he grows up.
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