For days now I've been going back and forth about whether or not I should blog about all of the family stuff that's been going on around here, and I've decided that I will, at least to a certain extent. There was some drama over us missing my nephew's birthday party a few weeks ago that was stirred up by my SIL thinking that I yelled at her and hung up on her over the phone, neither of which I did. I could go into the whole mess, but I don't think that I will because that's not the point of this blog today.
To make it short, SIL has the whole family mad at me. My mom, who wasn't there for the conversation, has believed SIL's version of events and not mine. I've been trying to be the grown-up in this situation and just let it drop, but that's been interpreted by my mother as confirmation that SIL is the one telling the truth. I've tried directly telling my mother what happened, but she still believes SIL over me. She believes that I lashed out at SIL because of grief over Kenneth, since Kenneth's birthday was the 14th. While this time of year is hard on me, the drama with SIL had absolutely nothing to do with any of that. I've told mom that, but it goes in one ear and out the other.
It bothers me quite a bit that rather than believe me, my mom insists on believing that I'm telling her a warped version of events because I'm grief-stricken over my son. It's been 3 years, and while I still miss Kenneth greatly, it hasn't clouded my judgement in a very long time. It seems like she believes I'm so psychologically damaged that I can't possibly be telling her the truth, and that really bothers me. She said that I'm over-protective of Grant to the point of being pathological (except I do things like let him go down slides at the playground head-first.....), and that also bothers me immensely. How do I not get bothered by my mother thinking that I'm borderline mentally ill?
My mom and I don't think alike, and really we never have. We're both very strong women, and both of us have a stubborn streak. I was pretty much raised by my mom and only my mom, so it cuts me pretty deeply when it's so very obvious that she thinks poorly of me. She disagrees with a lot of the choices that I've made over the years, and will usually let me know in plain words when she thinks I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing. Disagreement I can handle, but with her it's never just disagreement: it's usually a defect in me, not "we don't see eye to eye on this". It's hard to know how to handle that.
I want to stick up for myself and my choices, and I want her to understand why I make decisions the way that I do even if she doesn't agree with them. It never happens that way though. When I had to go back to work before I wanted to after Grant was born (when he was 8 weeks old instead of 12 weeks old-- I'd been out on maternity leave for longer than the FMLA-allowed 12 weeks because of bedrest, and 8 weeks after delivery was the longest leave I could take and still keep my job), I was pretty upset because I wanted to be home longer. Rather than support me, her response was that I should quit my teaching job mid-semester and just be a stay-at-home mom. When I told her that I would love to, but finances wouldn't permit it and I couldn't quit a teaching job mid year like that if I ever wanted to get another teaching job, she didn't understand it at all. I was being selfish and putting our material comfort above the needs of my son. Nevermind that I'd put years of work and thousands of dollars into earning the teaching degree that she wanted me to throw away, nevermind that staying home would mean we couldn't pay our bills or have health insurance-- working was the selfish choice.
I think this situation is a lot like that one. I make a decision that seems perfectly rational to me, and it gets twisted around in her mind to mean that there is some deep defect in my psyche. It's very hurtful and I don't know how I can change that. Most likely, I can't change it. So, I'm faced with the choice of continuing to be closely involved with my family and knowing that inevitably I'll be hurt like this again somewhere down the line, or backing off and getting them all even more upset with me. I'm not sure what the right answer is, or even if there is a right answer.
Mother-daughter relationships can get interesting sometimes, can't they?
To make it short, SIL has the whole family mad at me. My mom, who wasn't there for the conversation, has believed SIL's version of events and not mine. I've been trying to be the grown-up in this situation and just let it drop, but that's been interpreted by my mother as confirmation that SIL is the one telling the truth. I've tried directly telling my mother what happened, but she still believes SIL over me. She believes that I lashed out at SIL because of grief over Kenneth, since Kenneth's birthday was the 14th. While this time of year is hard on me, the drama with SIL had absolutely nothing to do with any of that. I've told mom that, but it goes in one ear and out the other.
It bothers me quite a bit that rather than believe me, my mom insists on believing that I'm telling her a warped version of events because I'm grief-stricken over my son. It's been 3 years, and while I still miss Kenneth greatly, it hasn't clouded my judgement in a very long time. It seems like she believes I'm so psychologically damaged that I can't possibly be telling her the truth, and that really bothers me. She said that I'm over-protective of Grant to the point of being pathological (except I do things like let him go down slides at the playground head-first.....), and that also bothers me immensely. How do I not get bothered by my mother thinking that I'm borderline mentally ill?
My mom and I don't think alike, and really we never have. We're both very strong women, and both of us have a stubborn streak. I was pretty much raised by my mom and only my mom, so it cuts me pretty deeply when it's so very obvious that she thinks poorly of me. She disagrees with a lot of the choices that I've made over the years, and will usually let me know in plain words when she thinks I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing. Disagreement I can handle, but with her it's never just disagreement: it's usually a defect in me, not "we don't see eye to eye on this". It's hard to know how to handle that.
I want to stick up for myself and my choices, and I want her to understand why I make decisions the way that I do even if she doesn't agree with them. It never happens that way though. When I had to go back to work before I wanted to after Grant was born (when he was 8 weeks old instead of 12 weeks old-- I'd been out on maternity leave for longer than the FMLA-allowed 12 weeks because of bedrest, and 8 weeks after delivery was the longest leave I could take and still keep my job), I was pretty upset because I wanted to be home longer. Rather than support me, her response was that I should quit my teaching job mid-semester and just be a stay-at-home mom. When I told her that I would love to, but finances wouldn't permit it and I couldn't quit a teaching job mid year like that if I ever wanted to get another teaching job, she didn't understand it at all. I was being selfish and putting our material comfort above the needs of my son. Nevermind that I'd put years of work and thousands of dollars into earning the teaching degree that she wanted me to throw away, nevermind that staying home would mean we couldn't pay our bills or have health insurance-- working was the selfish choice.
I think this situation is a lot like that one. I make a decision that seems perfectly rational to me, and it gets twisted around in her mind to mean that there is some deep defect in my psyche. It's very hurtful and I don't know how I can change that. Most likely, I can't change it. So, I'm faced with the choice of continuing to be closely involved with my family and knowing that inevitably I'll be hurt like this again somewhere down the line, or backing off and getting them all even more upset with me. I'm not sure what the right answer is, or even if there is a right answer.
Mother-daughter relationships can get interesting sometimes, can't they?
Posts
March 17, 2010 at 6:02 PM
HUGS!!!! I'm sorry things are so strained right now. You're in my thoughts!
March 18, 2010 at 12:11 PM
Your post reminded me of this seminar I was required to take a few years back about dealing with difficult people. I had only one takeaway and it was this: Ultimately, you can't control anyone's actions but your own.
Sounds like it's easier for them to blame your grief rather than face the true issue. Maybe they think they have to tip-toe around you near those dates.
My sister was killed in a car accident several years ago and while mine is certainly not the same as your situation, I've watched my parents deal with their grief. I've chosen to be kinder to them during certain times of year (March 12 was her birthday) and I think I've kind of eliminated the people in my life who tip-toe around me. If I'm crabby, it could be because of that or I could just be crabby. People who know me know this.
I'd say that if they can't find their way to treat you normally, and maybe see things from your pov, then maybe a little space would be good for you. You have your own family to take care of and that starts with you!!! :-) *hugs*
March 27, 2010 at 2:05 AM
As much as I wish I could say that it will get better, I don't think that is the case. Your mother has always been the way she is. I don't think that she sees how hurtful her words can be. It does bother me though that she would in essence call you a liar. That has never been your style, even as a kid. I know that kenneth's birthday and angel day are a difficult time for you, but I wouldn't assume that your perception of reality was altered. During these times I generally try to let you be to get through it as you see fit. If you want to talk to me you will call. I am always there for you if needed as you well know, but I don't feel the need to force myself on you when you probably would rather be left alone. Some people want lots of attention and people rallied around when they are upset. You have always been the type to want withdraw and be private in times of deep emotion. All I can say is that it will blow over as it usually does. Family is such a complicated thing. We love them and yet sometimes want to strangle them.