Nothing But My Version of Ordinary

I think I might have found a church. It feels strange to say that. I haven't wanted to go to church in a very long time. I want Grant to be raised going to church, to know the hymns and the traditions and yes, the beliefs. I just don't want him to go through what I went through at churches as a kid.

The church that I've been to twice now is a Missouri Synod Lutheran church. I went to a MS Lutheran church when I was in middle school and for my freshman year of high school, and I was confirmed as a Lutheran. The liturgy at the church I've been visiting is the same as the one I went to in HS. It's very comforting. Lutherans sing quite a bit during their services, and the music is traditional. For this classically trained singer, singing that sort of music feels very good. I've always felt like I worshipped best through music.

My old voice teacher from college is the choir director there. The music is good. He invited me to sing with the church choir, which I think I'm going to do just so that I can sing music that isn't designed for the elementary school crowd. This church just feels right. I'm going to drag Jacob with me next Sunday when he's got a day off; hopefully he'll like it.

I still struggle with feelings of being let down by God, and being angry with God, but I'm trying. I'm finally at a point in my journey where I can say, "I don't understand why you took my baby away, and I'm angry about it, but I'm willing to try to mend the relationship".

Here's to trying.

I took a long blogging break without really meaning to. Life just seems to have gotten in the way, and I've not really been feeling like blogging until tonight.


The medication the doctor has me taking for the reflux can't be taken during pregnancy, so we're putting off trying for another baby until the reflux stuff is resolved. There's a chance I'll be having a surgery called a Nissen Fundoplication, but I won't know for sure until they run some more tests. The meds, weight loss, and diet changes haven't really made much of a difference, so I'm guessing I'll be having the surgery. The whole thing has been stressing me out, but when it comes down to it, I'll do just about anything to preserve my singing voice. I'm a bit bummed out about waiting for another baby, but at the same time I'm relieved. Pregnancy is stressful for anybody, and even more so for us with a history of a child with a severe congenital heart defect and a mommy with pre-term labor. I have the baby bug BAD, but at least I can put off some of the fear that another pregnancy will bring with it.

Professionally, things are moving in a positive direction. I'm getting a student teacher in the fall-- my first one ever. I'm looking forward to it. Not to toot my own horn too too much, but I think I'll be a good cooperating teacher. Hopefully the student teacher feels the same way! I also found out recently that a local university offers a Master of Music Education with a concentration in Choral Conducting, and they have it structured so that the bulk of the coursework is during the summer. I'm excited that there's a possibility for me to go back to school without either quitting my job (not so financially feasable) or killing myself by teaching full-time while going to school in the evenings/on the weekends, all while also being a wife and mommy. Summers would be perfect! I'd lose out on my days of lazy freedom for a few summers, but then I'd have the tools and the degree to move my career in the direction I want it to go in.

The house...ahhhh, the house. We got the suit papers from our lawyer earlier this week, and it should be filed with the county by the end of the week. With any luck we'll have some resolution on that front soon.

On a completely different topic altogether, I'm working on trying to get back into church. It's hard. I find myself angry with God over a lot of different things-- the way I've been treated by Christians in the past and losing Kenneth being top on the list. I went to a Lutheran church here in town last week and it was nice. I went to a Lutheran church for several years as a kid and was confirmed Lutheran, so the service was very familiar and comforting. The person who was my voice teacher in college happens to lead the choir there, so that would give me an opportunity to sing outside of what I do with my kids at work. I'm really hoping that it's a place that I can bring Grant to. I want him to be brought up in church, but I don't want him to experience the hypocracy that I did. I want to be able to have the faith I used to have, without all of the doubts that I've had over the past few years.

There's the long and short of the past few months. My goal is to try to force myself to update this blog once a week at the least. Let's see if I can stick with it.


*pictures used with permission from http://www.freefoto.com/