My firstborn child,
There are days that I still miss you so much. I wish that I could reach up to Heaven and hold you, or talk to you and see what your personality is like. You have a brother now. It's strange to think that he's your little brother, yet he's already 10 times older than you will ever be. I wish that there was a way to bring you back to us, healthy and whole, so that our family would be whole again. There's always someone missing, always a hole where you should be.
Sometimes I look at Brian and Keith and I just can't believe that you'd be doing all the things that they're doing now. You'd be running around, getting into things, maybe even talking back and giving me lip. You'd be well into the stubborn terrible two's. Would you like trains and cars? Would you be obsessed with your favorite color and fight your naps? I like to think that you'd be a good big brother, trying to help Grant learn new things and being protective of him even when he's driving you crazy. I like to think that you'd like to crawl into my lap and give me slobbery toddler kisses and bear hugs and let me sing you sleep.
I know that your life wouldn't have been easy if you'd stayed. You would have needed at least two more major heart surgeries, and really you probably would have needed a transplant. When I look at the pictures of you from right before you left us, you looked so tired and like you were in such pain. I know that you don't hurt where you are, but oh your daddy and I hurt. Is it selfish of us to wish that you'd lived, even though your life would have been full of hardships and physical pain? I guess I'm selfish, because it still feels so wrong to have you gone.
Other moms talk about their angel children visiting them in their sleep, but I don't think I've ever had a real visit from you. I don't know if that's because I just don't remember the dreams or if you can't come to see me, but I get so jealous of those other mom's dream visits. I'd be able to see you and hold you again, even if it was just in my dreams. If it's okay, could you come to see me, just once? I've even thought about paying a shyster medium, just for the glimmer of a chance that I could talk to you again. Then again, you were so little when you died, well before the age you could have spoken- would you be able to talk to me? I just want to know that you're okay, that death isn't the end. I want to believe in heaven and that I'll see you again, but it's so very hard when I can't know for sure.
Sweet boy, I don't cry for you every day anymore, but not a day goes by that I don't think about you and what might have been. I love you, your daddy loves you, and your brother will know about you. Your absence from our lives is felt daily, and believe me when I say that just because I don't cry every day doesn't mean I don't miss you on a visceral level every time I take a breath.
We see dragonflies all the time here at our new house. I like to think that you send them to us. I hope that's not just wishful thinking.
I love you, little man.
There are days that I still miss you so much. I wish that I could reach up to Heaven and hold you, or talk to you and see what your personality is like. You have a brother now. It's strange to think that he's your little brother, yet he's already 10 times older than you will ever be. I wish that there was a way to bring you back to us, healthy and whole, so that our family would be whole again. There's always someone missing, always a hole where you should be.
Sometimes I look at Brian and Keith and I just can't believe that you'd be doing all the things that they're doing now. You'd be running around, getting into things, maybe even talking back and giving me lip. You'd be well into the stubborn terrible two's. Would you like trains and cars? Would you be obsessed with your favorite color and fight your naps? I like to think that you'd be a good big brother, trying to help Grant learn new things and being protective of him even when he's driving you crazy. I like to think that you'd like to crawl into my lap and give me slobbery toddler kisses and bear hugs and let me sing you sleep.
I know that your life wouldn't have been easy if you'd stayed. You would have needed at least two more major heart surgeries, and really you probably would have needed a transplant. When I look at the pictures of you from right before you left us, you looked so tired and like you were in such pain. I know that you don't hurt where you are, but oh your daddy and I hurt. Is it selfish of us to wish that you'd lived, even though your life would have been full of hardships and physical pain? I guess I'm selfish, because it still feels so wrong to have you gone.
Other moms talk about their angel children visiting them in their sleep, but I don't think I've ever had a real visit from you. I don't know if that's because I just don't remember the dreams or if you can't come to see me, but I get so jealous of those other mom's dream visits. I'd be able to see you and hold you again, even if it was just in my dreams. If it's okay, could you come to see me, just once? I've even thought about paying a shyster medium, just for the glimmer of a chance that I could talk to you again. Then again, you were so little when you died, well before the age you could have spoken- would you be able to talk to me? I just want to know that you're okay, that death isn't the end. I want to believe in heaven and that I'll see you again, but it's so very hard when I can't know for sure.
Sweet boy, I don't cry for you every day anymore, but not a day goes by that I don't think about you and what might have been. I love you, your daddy loves you, and your brother will know about you. Your absence from our lives is felt daily, and believe me when I say that just because I don't cry every day doesn't mean I don't miss you on a visceral level every time I take a breath.
We see dragonflies all the time here at our new house. I like to think that you send them to us. I hope that's not just wishful thinking.
I love you, little man.
Posts
September 23, 2009 at 10:20 PM
What a beautiful tribute to your sweet Kenneth. He is so luck to have a mommy who loves him so much, and Grant is so blessed to have a big brother to watch over him. ( I came to your blog from the IV December board - sn is ankmom2005)