My husband's family is about to try the last ounce of patience that I have. I won't go into the latest reason why, but I do want some feed back on my father-in-law (he's not the most recent offender). FIL likes to ignore what I say about Grant, or argue with me. He apparently doesn't remember what it was like to raise babies, because he will do things that are not safe (try to feed Grant a tortilla chip when he has no molars) or not in the best interest of the baby (try to wake Grant up from a nap early because he thinks he's slept long enough).
I've been patient. I've explained my reasons, and I've told him more than once. I'm at my limit now. It's been building up for a while. Things like waiting until he thinks I'm not looking to give Grant coffee creamer when he was 3 months old after I'd specifically told him not to. Things like feeding him bite after bite after bite of his dessert at a restaurant when I got up to use the bathroom, after me telling him Grant could have ONE bite. Things like him arguing with me about giving Grant juice (Me: It's got too much sugar and he doesn't need it. Him: Well, you let him have fruit, he should have juice!). Things like getting him up from his naps when Grant's still asleep. The final straw was this last visit. It was 6 am, and we don't get Grant out of bed that early. If he wakes up, we leave him in his crib unless he starts to cry. Most mornings he'll just play with his stuffed dog and talk and then fall back asleep for a while longer. My FIL decided to get him out of bed while I was getting ready for work, even though I've told him several times on other visits that we don't get him out of bed that early. He then argued with my husband about it when he (for once, finally) told him that it wasn't okay to do that.
It makes me feel incredibly disrespected in my own home. I'm Grant's mom, and the decisions I make for him go. I don't care if FIL thinks I'm being dumb. He doesn't have to agree, he doesn't have to like it, he just has to follow our wishes when it comes to OUR SON and stop going behind our backs to do what he wants to do. I told Jacob that he needed to talk to his dad and be very clear with him that it was not going to be pretty if he ignored our rules for Grant on this next visit. I will have words with him if he pulls that crap even one more time.
It's hard because he's not a bad guy and he loves Grant to pieces. He's just used to being in charge of the family, and I don't think it's fully sunk in with him that Jacob is edging up to 30, is a married father of two, has an established career and is a second-time homeowner.... in other words, an ADULT. I think that some small part of my FIL's brain still sees Jacob as a kid, and therefore what FIL wants to happen should happen. Jacob has a hard time standing up to him because he respects and loves his dad. I think Jacob is finally starting to realize that he's got to stand up for me with his parents, because otherwise it's going to create some serious friction in our marriage.
Am I totally off base here, or is FIL out of line?
I've been patient. I've explained my reasons, and I've told him more than once. I'm at my limit now. It's been building up for a while. Things like waiting until he thinks I'm not looking to give Grant coffee creamer when he was 3 months old after I'd specifically told him not to. Things like feeding him bite after bite after bite of his dessert at a restaurant when I got up to use the bathroom, after me telling him Grant could have ONE bite. Things like him arguing with me about giving Grant juice (Me: It's got too much sugar and he doesn't need it. Him: Well, you let him have fruit, he should have juice!). Things like getting him up from his naps when Grant's still asleep. The final straw was this last visit. It was 6 am, and we don't get Grant out of bed that early. If he wakes up, we leave him in his crib unless he starts to cry. Most mornings he'll just play with his stuffed dog and talk and then fall back asleep for a while longer. My FIL decided to get him out of bed while I was getting ready for work, even though I've told him several times on other visits that we don't get him out of bed that early. He then argued with my husband about it when he (for once, finally) told him that it wasn't okay to do that.
It makes me feel incredibly disrespected in my own home. I'm Grant's mom, and the decisions I make for him go. I don't care if FIL thinks I'm being dumb. He doesn't have to agree, he doesn't have to like it, he just has to follow our wishes when it comes to OUR SON and stop going behind our backs to do what he wants to do. I told Jacob that he needed to talk to his dad and be very clear with him that it was not going to be pretty if he ignored our rules for Grant on this next visit. I will have words with him if he pulls that crap even one more time.
It's hard because he's not a bad guy and he loves Grant to pieces. He's just used to being in charge of the family, and I don't think it's fully sunk in with him that Jacob is edging up to 30, is a married father of two, has an established career and is a second-time homeowner.... in other words, an ADULT. I think that some small part of my FIL's brain still sees Jacob as a kid, and therefore what FIL wants to happen should happen. Jacob has a hard time standing up to him because he respects and loves his dad. I think Jacob is finally starting to realize that he's got to stand up for me with his parents, because otherwise it's going to create some serious friction in our marriage.
Am I totally off base here, or is FIL out of line?
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December 21, 2009 at 3:48 PM
I completely understand how you feel. I've wrestled with this and know many other parents who have as well. We joke about having to "de-grandparent" our kids when the grandparents go away.
That said, I think you should relax on your FIL. Yes, he needs to respect how you do things. But as you said, "he's not a bad guy and he loves Grant to pieces." I've heard from parents who distanced themselves and their kids over issues like this, only to regret it because it affected that grandparent-child relationship. I think if you tell FIL why you have those rules, and communicate that in love, telling him how much it means to you that he and Grant are close, then maybe he'll have time to come on board. The point is, y'all are a team raising Grant (parents and grandparents), not "us against them." And then you have to sit back and trust him. Let the little things slide. The most important thing is that Grant gets to enjoy his grandpa's love... Something tells me your rules in your home will still stand, even if they have to be bent a little when FIL is around. Later you just teach Grant that FIL does things different, and how he needs to follow the rules even when you're not around. I've been amazed that this actually works with my 5 yr old, but it does!! And then he learns to do what's right in a loving environment, so someday when it's a friends' house who may not love him like the grandparents, he knows what to do. You know what I mean? Hang in there, girl. you're doing a great job!